Updated: Jan 9, 2020
I have learned that it is always best to communicate honestly with people you know or trying to get to know more deeply. A lot of communication research talks about the importance of honesty and telling the truth. When one lies or misrepresents their true feelings and intentions, it can be detrimental to those involved (including yourself).
So I was talking to this girl online, and she seemed to really like me. I don't believe in types, though research says we have preferences, "having a type" to me seems a bit more abstract in meaning. But she didn't come off to me as someone I would typically engage with in a dating capacity, but I was open to exploring what this could be.
She and I were talking for a few weeks strictly online, and it seemed she was hinting at wanting to meet up. I was not opposed to that, I'm just often busy and maintain a somewhat unpredictable schedule. But she seemed nice, and I didn't want to let this go without at least meeting up. So, I asked her out, and she said yes.
The date was planned 5 days in advance, and a part of me was curious about what the research said on that, but I did not investigate. Over the days leading up to the date, we continued talking, and the conversations got a bit more personal. The day before our date, she expressed how great she thought I was and didn't want to lead me on because she was not looking for anything serious. To my liking, I felt relieved. I was not looking for anything remotely serious either, I barely had the time. So, I expressed my agreement and relief. And I thought how amazing it is that two people are on the same page before they even meet face to face.
But almost a couple of hours before we were expected to meet, she said that it was raining and maybe we should cancel. Thinking of my availability and the nature of this date, I said we will be inside a restaurant and this time seemed to work best. She then stated that she also forgot to go grocery shopping and needed to do that too. I began to think that maybe she did not want to go out cause of the rain, but she seemed willing to go out grocery shopping. At this point, I knew where this was heading, but I decided to not assume and offer one more alternative for the date. I suggested I could help her shop and carry the things she would like to purchase. I said it is a bit of an unconventional first date, but it could be interesting. And she laughed and stated that she often does grocery shopping alone. And for certain, I knew we were not going to go on this date or any other date.
I reflected back to our conversation and I realized her shift in interest appeared when I expressed my agreement and relief of not wanting anything serious. Did she somehow wanted me to be serious, while she was not? It was a bit of an enigma. I consulted with a colleague and a friend, and I learned that it is possible that she may have wanted to have a bit more power in the relationship. In other words, I needed to be a bit more into her than her into me. If the relationship dissolved she would not be the one hurt at all, and it would likely be on her terms, hence why she ended things before anything significant began.
That thought never dawned on me before in any other dating situation, but made me think that I possibly have been subjected to this before and didn't realize. Either way, I was totally okay with the situation since she was in fact not someone I would often engage with in that manner.
I learned that people have many expectations in dating, even if the intention is to not have a serious relationship. And that regardless of the expectation of others, we have to communicate with honesty. Even if she didn't let me know that she was not looking for anything serious, I was going to have to likely tell her the same thing at some point.
And that is why I will never forget The Girl Who Was Not Ready For My Honesty.