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To You: The Boy I Loved A Little Too Much

The other day I was listening to the song “Ghosts” by Ross Ellis. In it, he says, “I don’t believe in lies, things that go bump in the night, tall tales of UFOs. But I believe in ghosts.” I, myself, am not a superstitious person; as a child, I never believed that if I stepped on a crack I would break my mother’s back, or that if I cracked a mirror I would have seven years of bad luck.

But, then I met you. And I started thinking about this idea once I heard about souls meeting in a previous life. It has been said that sometimes when you meet someone, and you feel that instant connection with them, it is because your souls have met in a previous life. In other words, you have been reconnected. I never believed in all that... until I met you, and then it was like the stars aligned and suddenly it all began to make sense. My soul just recognized yours.

I never believed in happily ever afters. I was never the girl who put pictures of wedding dresses and venues on a dream board, longing for the day I would walk down the aisle. Frankly, I never thought I would get married. And then, I met you. This is what it feels like to love someone enough to be able to visualize waking up next to them when you’re 50, 75, and 100 years old. In you, I see everything I never knew I wanted in a future, I see everything I never knew I needed in order to be complete. I always thought that I would be perfectly fine doing life on my own, but now that I know you, I know that I could never do life without you by my side.

You are not the first thing I think about when I wake up or the last thing I think about when I go to bed. Loving you is not a cliché. You are what I think about when I see a random act of kindness being performed, when all the goodness in the world is at my disposal. You are what I think about when I cannot sink any lower, because I know just thinking of you will help raise me from the bottomless pit of my mind. I think of you in the in-between, in those moments of silence, peace, and calm. Loving you is not a cliché, it is knowing that there is a time and place for everything. I do not need to only think of you when I wake up or go to sleep, because if you are in my heart, you are with me whenever and wherever I go.

I love the way you look at me, even though I pretend I do not know why you are doing it. I love the way you cannot stay away from me, even when you probably should. I love the way you keep me on my toes, because I never want to get too comfortable and forget to show you I care. I love the way you see right through my soul and do not even blink, even at the parts of me I try to hide from the rest of the world.

The only thing I do not love, is that I cannot tell you any of this.


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