As a kid, there was a girl who was my friend. She would say I was her best friend. At the time, I never understood why she considered me her best friend. Yes, we talked a lot and had fun, but the time we shared was so short. I always felt there was another friend she had, that she must have been spending more time with regularly.
She was smart and beautiful, and always followed the rules. It is funny, because I was always the one fearful of getting in trouble. I never wanted to disappoint my mother, so I would usually follow the rules. But, there were times when I could be persuaded or intrigued enough to do something I probably should not, but not her.
She was adamant about following the rules, and she encouraged me to do the same. I remember telling her something like, “we should just do it, if we do it now, no one would notice.” I was only disregarding rules if I knew it was a high probability that I would not get caught. But again, she did not concede, except for one time.
One time, our friends were getting ready to do something that was not bad, but was also not the rules. And I encouraged her to tag along. She refused. But this day in particular, I really wanted her to come. I wanted her to share this with me. She was my friend, and I was hers. So, I believe I said something like, “do it for me.” Without hesitation, though she rolled her eyes, she joined in. And we had fun.
Another friend of ours mentioned that he liked her, and when he told her that, she said did not like him. He came to me and told me all that. He was hoping I would be able to figure out why, since she and I talked the most.
So, one day, I sat by her and asked why she was not interested in our other friend. And she immediately got bright red, and ran away. I had no idea what happened. Another friend, who happened to be a girl, saw her run away and followed. When the friend came back, she said she was crying. Everyone looked at me, and was upset. They kept asking me what I did, and I was combing my brain trying to figure out the same thing.
That same friend came to me privately, and said I should go speak to her, so I did. She was in a corner on the floor sobbing, and I immediately said “sorry, if I made you cry.” She suddenly looked up at me with her red pale face, and said “it is not your fault.” With relief, I asked, “then, what happened?” She stood up, pushing her bangs aside, and said, “I do not like him, because I like you.” This was definitely one of those moments when I was not prepared for what was being said to me. At the time, I remember thinking, how could she like me, no one really likes me like that.
I think I pondered the thought of what it would be like to see her as more than a friend, but then I thought about my friend who liked her and another girl I was crushing on. Physically in the moment, I grabbed her and hugged her tight, and she sobbed into my shoulder. When she stopped crying, she looked up at me, staring. I pushed her bangs aside, so I could see her blue-green eyes, and without saying anything, I grabbed her hand. We walked away together, and joined our friends.
Afterwards, we never really talked about it. She was definitely more playful with me, and I was definitely closer to her. But, we never defined the relationship.
Granted, we were kids, but we were old enough to understand kind of what was going on.
The last day I saw her I did not know it would be the last time, but I think she knew. She hugged me so tight and kissed me on the cheek, and went away.
I always wondered if she thought we were in a relationship. In fairness, I wondered if we actually were, and somehow, I just could not admit it. Either way, I enjoyed my time with her. And I have tried to find her through the age of social media, and I come empty every time. It is amazing how much I remember of her.
I wonder if she has become some glorious lawyer, because she was so smart and good at debates. I wonder if she is happy and living the life she always said she wanted. I wonder if she thinks of me.
I will never forget The Girl Who Left Me Wondering.
