I have tried to take my time with this. I have tried to find the words. To be honest, I have never been good with goodbyes. They always seem so…permanent…better left for death and dying. But in a way, I have come to realize this as both a death and a rebirth. It is the death of what we had, and the rebirth of who I will become from this point on, without you. And for the first time in four years, I am actually okay with that.
If you would have even asked me even a few months ago to write this final goodbye, I wouldn’t have been able to fully commit to it. My letter would have been littered with non-committal “whatever happens, happens” type phrases, or “what’s meant to be will always find a way.” But the truth is, the hard, heartbreaking truth is that I should have never let you say hello, and so this letter of goodbye is long overdue.
I would like to start at the very beginning, the beginning that I now know to be true. I used to believe that you knew me. I used to believe that I could trust you with every ounce of my soul, and therefore I did not shy away with trusting you with my physical being. I thought, in my heart of hearts, that you truly cared about me. That at the end of the day, your actions were not meant to hurt me, but came out of genuine confusion, a sense of being lost in this world. You made me feel sorry for you. You made me sympathize with you, all while turning me into someone you know I couldn’t stand. You knew I never, ever, wanted to be THAT person, and yet...for your own selfish needs, you made me that person. You took two people, two women with pure hearts filled with nothing but love for you, and filled them with hatred for one another. You ensured that these two people would never speak, and therefore, you could do what you wanted to do, happily, without fear of repercussions.
Looking back, I think that is what upsets me the most. That you took what I value most about myself-- my ability to relate and be in relation with others-- away from me. You denied me a friend, someone I have come to learn is a sweet, compassionate, and genuine person, unlike you. You did this while turning me into someone for a long time I did not even recognize. It has taken me 4 years and a lot of expensive therapy to find my way back to myself, the person I was before I was caught up in the spell that you have put me under. Now that I can see clearly, I can’t help but be sickened by the fact that I allowed myself to fall so deeply in love with someone who never truly cared or loved me, or anyone other than himself at all.
I could go on and on about all the ways that I feel slighted by you. I seriously could write a book on the trauma you have caused me, the way that I will never look at a relationship in the same way again. But the truth of the matter is, I will be just fine without you. One day, when the smoke from my heart clears from the village you just burned down, I will look back and smile because I survived. I have a new friend by my side, someone who knows exactly what it is like to be in my shoes, and together, we get to do the best thing for us: move on. We will find someone who genuinely loves us someday, who will never take our heart for granted. We will find someone who will cherish the time and energy, and even double it in their return.
And when that day comes, I will look back and I will think of you. I will think back, and I will feel sorry for you because somehow, you will have to learn to live with the fact that you destroyed two people. You walked into two lives, and burned two hearts to the ground and walked away like it was nothing, and some day, this will catch up to you. You may move on, looking into a new relationship, but you will have to remember the lives that you once destroyed to get there, whereas we will have forgotten your name, and for that, I feel sorry for you.
So, I have to say thank you. Thank you for four years worth of lies, damage, and tears. I know my worth now, and I know what I will never tolerate again. And for the first time in my life, I know that goodbyes are just as valuable in life as they are in death. Closing this door on you was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life, but it is a decision I look back on with pride every single day. Because of you, I have found my way back to myself, and I am in search of the person I want to be. So, thank you for ruining the life I once imagined for us, because now I know to dream bigger.
The girl who once would have given up the world for you