What does goodbye really mean?
For you and I, I honestly never really understood. You’d say goodbye while whispering hello. You would disappear, only to return a few months down the line as though nothing happened. A part of me always knew that goodbye always meant “see you later.” So, even though I mourned your loss in the here-and-now, I yearned for the future.
I know that not every story has a happy ending. Some stories simply just end. Unlike movies and books, which would not sell without a proper ending, life just does not care if you are satisfied with the ending it gives you. Life just does what it does, and you either have to accept it and move on, or don’t. It is your call. But knowing this, and wanting AN ending are two different things, at least to me.
I know I made the decision to walk away. Actually, let me rephrase that. I know I made my decision, KNOWN to you, that I was going to step away for a little while for my well-being. I did this despite my feelings. I did this in spite of our history and the storybook ending I prayed for. I did this, because I knew that in order for us to be happy, YOU first needed to be happy. I knew you were lost. I knew there were many things that you still needed to figure out in your own life, and while I would have happily fought those battles alongside you, I know that sometimes, you just need to fight your own demons alone. So, I decided. I made the decision to put my love for you second to my belief that you needed to love yourself, and I let you go.
Sending that message was by far the hardest thing I ever had to do. That day, a part of me broke. But I have been told that when you love someone, there are three truths:
One. It is impossible to love someone who doesn’t first love and care for themselves. As much as I wanted you to want me, as much as much as I loved you, you did not love yourself. You could never love me until you first investigated the root causes of your self-hatred, and I could not be a part of that. So, selflessly, I had to let you go so you could learn to love yourself if I ever hoped for you to learn to love me in the ways that I deserved to be loved. Even if this road did not not lead to me, I wanted this for you...to learn to love yourself I mean.
Two. Just because you love someone, doesn’t mean that their love is good for you. I know that no matter how much I wanted you, no matter how much love I poured into you, your love was like arsenic to me. I know you loved me in the best way you could. I know that. But that does not mean that this was good for me. I held on for as long as I could, held on to every thread of hope you’d throw my way when it was convenient for you. I held on like it was the only thing I had left to hold on to. But the truth is, it was not enough for me. I loved you, but your love was starting to kill me.
Three. I had been told that if you love someone, let them go. If they come back, they are yours forever. And if not....I guess a part of me just assumed that because you came back all those times before, you would do so again. You would take my words to heart and really, truly think. I did not want them to cause you pain, but I did want them to have an impact.
Instead, it seems like they were meaningless. Instead of loving yourself, you have found someone else to absorb your hurt. Instead of investigating, you are now allowing your wounds to spill out into someone else’s life. And while a part of me is happy for you, another part cannot help but be very, very angry.
Angry that you lied to me. Angry that you didn’t take the chance to better yourself. Angry that you aren’t coming back to me. I am angry that you didn’t have the respect for me to tell me yourself, and thought that the internet was an appropriate way to let me find out, but I guess I shouldn’t be surprised after everything we’ve been through.
I think a part of me has held on for so long because you never cared about me enough to tell me the truth, or respected me enough to give me the closure I deserve. Even when I made the decision to walk away, your words were littered with lies about not being the type of man you want to be and how I deserved better. As I write this, I know I deserve better. But if you believed that, your actions would have also been much different.
I have always been the type of person who respected honesty and truth, and I know a part of me has been holding on, waiting for the closure that you are never going to give me. So, I guess I have to give it to myself:
The truth is, you never loved or cared about me. You only loved and cared about yourself. You were only happy so long as your needs were being met, and if they weren’t, I didn’t exist to you. Those days we spent together will never mean as much to you as they did to me, and those years I gave to you are not something you are going to have to live with, they are years of my life that I am never going to get back. I once joked that if I needed to, I would donate every organ in my body if it meant saving you, but you wouldn’t shed a drop of blood or whisper an “I’m sorry” for me. I would have done anything for you, but your “love” always came with exceptions and limitations. The truth is, I will always be a better person than you.
I hope one day, you truly give yourself the time of day. I hope you give yourself the space to think about your actions, the impact that you have had on people’s lives, and the mistakes you have made, and I truly hope it makes you think. I hope it makes you realize how hard it is for me to sit here and write this, because even as I type, I know that if you were to call right now, I’d still pick up the phone and be there for you. My love for you is unconditional, and I will always love you.
But for now, I wish you happiness. I hope you find your peace. And I hope one day, you think of me, and you wish the same for me too.