This one goes out to all the people who held on too long, the ones who put others’ needs before themselves. Like you, I believed that someone else’s happiness was worth more than mine. I’d be lying if I said I don’t still believe that sometimes. It’s hard. We are taught that true love is unconditional, so I should keep on loving even when it gets hard right? Wrong. The second loving him or loving her sacrifices your self-worth, is the second you need to re-evaluate whether this relationship is worth pursuing. I loved him so much I would have ripped out my bleeding heart for him, but if I did that then what would be left of me? A body is only a physical being without the soul behind it, and I cannot let anyone take that away from me. Not him, not anyone. I wake up some nights and I think back, and I miss him. I miss him so much it would keep me awake for the rest of the night wondering why I didn’t give a little more, why I didn’t try a little harder. But the real question is, why was I giving so much and receiving nothing in return? If I would give him my heart, isn’t it only fair that he gives me his in return? A life for a life? And yet he would stand over me and watch my limp and lifeless body and do nothing.
So, I did something. I wrote this poem. I may not always be strong enough to speak my words out loud, but there’s a power in the written word. Once it is written, it can never be taken back.
So here it goes:
I am my mother’s daughter, and sometimes I can’t let go like a baby holding on to their mother’s finger. I’ve been told that Piaget has said a thing or two about attachment issues, but I don’t think the science has quite caught up to me yet.
You see I am my mother’s daughter, and I won’t say I love you unless you make me cry. You better hook me up to the back of your car and drag me through the mud if you ever want to get me into your bed. I’ve been told that I am not capable of forming healthy relationships, but what defines healthy anyways? A girl eating a salad isn’t always as healthy as the girl shoving a donut down her throat, at least that girl is confident enough to know that those 300 calories will not end her life.
I am my mother’s daughter, and I don’t give up even when you grab my throat and try to hold me down. I would live in a cage if it meant you’re the one keeping me locked up there. I know I’ll never be your favorite pet, but I’ll forgive you anyways because you said you’re sorry, and good girls learn to forgive and forget.
I am my mother’s daughter, and one day when you don’t come home I’ll tell all my friends that it was my decision because I can’t stand the shame of making you look bad. I’ll let you win that battle because I know that I am capable of winning the war.
Because I am my mother’s daughter, when you drove away I started to follow a new map. I learned that there is more than just one way to get where I want to go and decided to start taking the scenic routes. And every once in a while, I’ll find myself on that country road that used to lead to you, and I’ll turn right instead of letting my car get stuck in the mud on your front lawn.
Because I am my mother’s daughter, I learned that goodbyes can save your life, and I threw that bag that weighed me down in a storage unit. I would have burned it, but a wise person once told me that it is important to learn from your past. Pretending it doesn’t exist doesn’t change that it happened, and while I didn’t end up with you, I ended up with me. You can have her.