To You: The Girl I Almost Lost
I know it’s been awhile since I’ve seen you. I buried you deep inside me a long time ago, locked you away and lost the key. I’m sorry for that. I know I should be more careful with important possessions but if I’m being completely honest, you didn’t seem so important at the time. You were like a penny when a 100-dollar bill was being flashed before my eyes, so I went with what I thought was better. I abandoned what I knew in search of what I thought they wanted, what I thought they’d like more.
I have been told you should never change yourself for another person, but it’s hard not to. It’s starts with something small, like giving up your favorite lip stick, and then soon you’re giving up your soul to try to save theirs and you don’t even bat an eye because you love them and when you love someone you’re supposed to do everything in your power to help them, right? At least I thought that’s what I was supposed to do. I sacrificed myself at his hands and in doing so I lost myself. By the time I realized what was happening, I was so far gone I couldn’t even look in a mirror anymore because I was embarrassed by how far I’d let myself go to satisfy him.
But then one day I woke up. I realized I wasn’t happy. I realized I wasn’t me anymore. I used to be so strong, fearlessly fierce. When I was young, I once told my grandma that it was a free country and I could do whatever I wanted... while I regret the way I talked to her that day, what happened to the girl who seemingly knew what was best for her? What happened to the girl with passion and a fire that couldn’t be tamed? I used to be a force to be reckoned with, now I was just wrecked.
I wish I could say that I could blame him for this, but the truth is, I pushed you away. I let you go. There was no gun to my head, no threat to my life. I could’ve gone on without him, I just didn’t want to. I made the decision, and I had to live with the consequences of my actions.
But now I’m back. You can only swallow so much pain before the truth inevitably rises to the surface anyways, and I’m choking on it. I am tired of being someone I’m not. I miss the girl who had the courage to fight for what she wanted, so I’m going to do just that. I may make a few mistakes along the way, but that’s okay. I have to get to know myself all over again. It’s time I start dating myself, and let anyone who stands in the way of that… go.
At the end of the day, the only person who has to live with the decisions you make is you. Make sure you can love yourself at the end of it all, and if not, maybe it’s time to go back and ask yourself who you’re surrounding yourself with and why?