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To You: The Girl You Can’t Let Go Of

It has been a while. A long while. I have come to a state of confusion over the meaning of goodbye, because it seems like whenever we say it, it is soon followed by a hello. Every time I think I have cleansed you from my pores, washed every ounce of you out of my hair, my phone lights up with your name.

Of course, I could always block your number. I could be the type of person who believes that you can truly erase the past, cut it off like it never existed. But, I am a romantic. I do not believe that memories can be erased by simply pretending things never happened.

Sometimes I wonder if you know that I sit and wait for you to come back after you say goodbye. Then I breathe a sigh of relief when I finally hear that hello. My life starts to make sense again when you are around, because a world where I am forced to pretend like we never happened, is a life I do not want to live.

I wonder if you know that when you say hello, my heart sinks into my stomach because I know that this all leads to another goodbye. Nothing good seems to come from being under your spell. I would sacrifice my well-being, my sanity, and dignity, for just one more I love you. You have made me desperate for your love again.

I cannot help but be curious, if you know what you do to my body. I wonder if you truly understand just how much I crave you when you are away, how it aches and searches for you in other poor souls who do not quite fit your mold. I am not sure what it is, but from the moment you say hello I am on my toes and I feel this exhilarating feeling, like my body is flying. And when you say goodbye, well, you might as well bury me in the ground.

It is the highs and lows, the ups and downs, a true roller coaster that has left me both hating and loving that damn amusement park ride. Because you cannot make up your mind whether you want to leave or stay, and get off this ride, even if I wanted to. I have tried to pull the straps off and jump to the ground, but somehow when I am falling, eyes shut tightly and praying, my prayers are answered by you, and I am back on the ride.

Maybe someday you will set me free, give me the freedom to choose my own ride once more. Until then, I am a slave to the highs.


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