I try to be as brutally honest with my words. I do not just write for the reader, I write the words I need to hear but am too stubborn to speak. That is why I have always admired people like Selena Gomez and Taylor Swift, because their music is like a window into their soul, and I find myself wanting to badly be as open as they are.
But when it comes to you, I always find myself frozen. I am paralyzed, caught between wanting to share my truth and believing that if I do so, I will lose you. I do not know how I dig myself in so deep that I care more about losing you, than myself. But once I found that rabbit hole, it becomes very difficult to find my way out.
I have made every excuse in the book for you, given you every benefit of the doubt. At some point, I stopped doing it because you asked me to, and started doing it because I needed to believe that my desire to stay and wait was not my own fault. I know now that this pain I have felt is not entirely your fault, because I allowed myself to believe my own excuses.
For four years I have waited for you. For four years I have stayed, frozen in time waiting for you to choose me. And for four years I have been let down, used, and abused. I have allowed myself to put my life on hold, hoping that if I did, you would get it together for me. You would work it out, work through all the complications and drama, and realize that I was there, waiting patiently for you like the good girl I am.
But for four years, I have denied myself the right to be happy. I have ruined relationships, pushed people away who were potentially good for me. I stopped, dropped, and rolled whenever you called, and I did everything on your time. I let go of all the pain and anger and resentment I had every time you would say hello, and I cried every time you forgot to say goodbye. I blamed myself for all the trouble, and never allowed you the opportunity to take responsibility for your actions. I told myself that you would come around if I was patient, and I allowed you to let my patience run me into the dry Sahara Desert.
It is time now. It is time for me to let go. I need to lose you, I need to let you go. I will never be ready, there will never be a perfect time. There is not going to be a day that goes by that I will not think of you, but if I do not choose today, I will spend the next four years, then the rest of my life… waiting for you. I am not willing to sacrifice my happiness for you any longer. I cannot allow you to take one more minute of my life from me. It is time I love myself more than you, it is time to open my heart to someone who will love me now.
I wanted it to be you. I wanted it to be you so badly that I lost myself in loving you. But now I have to find me. I loved you so much. I still do. But I have been told that sometimes love isn’t enough, and now it is time for me to love someone else: me.